When I Dream of Michelangelo

It has been 363 days, two days short of a full year, since my last blog post. So where have I been?

First, I want to recap what I’ve been doing over the last year and a half. In December 2009, the company I worked for as a computer security engineer (AOL) decided to institute a voluntary layoff program. Basically, the company wanted to shed some staff but decided to do it voluntarily. Those who volunteered would get a respectable severance package. I decided that this was my chance to launch into full-time photography. I had already planned on a trip to the Middle East shortly after Christmas 2009 so I decided to expand it. I originally planned on spending a few days in Cairo, two weeks in the Gaza Strip (where I would work with a local NGO) and then spend about 4 or 5 weeks in the West Bank. The goal was to turn international freelance photojournalism into a sustainable living.

So I headed to the Middle East and spent two weeks in Cairo. The trip to Gaza fell through since the Egyptian government would not permit us to enter Gaza. I could have reapplied for entrance on my own but that would have taken at least another two to three weeks which would have destroyed any hope of doing the work I wanted to do in the West Bank.

After two weeks, I flew to Amman, Jordan and ultimately crossed into Palestine by land. I spent just about 4 weeks in the West Bank reconnecting with friends and covering the various weekly protests throughout Palestine. It was an incredible experience I’ll never forget.

Upon returning to the US, I did my best to solicit other photo assignments and submitted my portfolio to as many agencies and media outlets I could. Nothing happened.

In the meantime, I had received a few inquiries for doing other types of photography work, including a couple weddings and a few corporate events. I shot a few corporate events and ultimately decided to turn down the weddings. More on that later.

After a few months, it looked like I was going to have to start looking for a regular job. The severance package had run out, my savings was almost depleted, unemployment wasn’t quite paying the bills, and the little bit of money I was making from other photography assignments just wasn’t sustainable.

Luckily, I still had some time to look for the job that was right for me and I ultimately found it. Again, more on that later.

The short story is: I failed.

But Why?

First and foremost among the reasons why this great experiment didn’t work is that my work simply wasn’t strong enough. It isn’t. I’m not saying it’s not any good at all. I still and will always love a lot of the work I’ve already done and I’m in no way ashamed of it. But, I have to concede that it simply wasn’t good enough to get to the next level. The interesting thing, though, is that this revelation didn’t depress me, really. OK, maybe for a very short time. But, in a way, it’s somewhat liberating to know where you really stand and I’m really, truly OK with it.

Second, the field that I wanted to go into, international photojournalism, simply isn’t what it used to be. Sure, there are plenty of amazing photographers making a sustainable living by working internationally. But the field is much smaller than it used to be. For example, I’ve spent a lot of time in Palestine. Why would a photo agency or media outlet pay to send me to Palestine to cover some event when there are a ton of very talented photographers who already live there who can cover something at a moment’s notice? I know plenty of them. That’s not to say that there aren’t opportunities for international photographers. They’re obviously out there. It’s just not as large a field as it used to be. And to get to that level, the standard has been raised even higher.

Finally, and this actually came as somewhat of a shock to me, I discovered that I didn’t really like shooting for other people. It’s true. As it turns out, there is a very narrow area of photography that I’d gladly do on an assignment basis. If The New York Times were to call me tomorrow and asked me to cover the war in Afghanistan, I’d jump on a plane tomorrow. But, outside of that, my enthusiasm for shooting other things that other people want just isn’t there.

I mentioned that I turned down a few weddings in those few months. I thought long and hard about it. On the one hand, it’s money. And wedding photography (if done well) can be extremely lucrative. And, money notwithstanding, there are some amazing photo opportunities at weddings and there are some incredible wedding photographers out there who I will always admire. But, they obviously have a passion for it. I don’t. Sure, I could have taken the wedding opportunities and made some cash. Hell, it’s possible I could still be shooting full-time by filling my weekends with weddings. But the passion isn’t there for that type of work for me. The whole idea of doing this in the first place was to follow my passion. If the passion wasn’t there, not only would it not be fair to my potential clients, but I wouldn’t be staying true to myself.

The same could be said of other readily available photography gigs… corporate event photography, family portraits, and so on. I shot a couple corporate events during my time off and they were reasonably lucrative. But, I found, as time went on, that I simply wasn’t interested in doing them.

So What Now?

The short answer is: I don’t know. I still love photography. I do. But, I also feel like I’ve been in a creative funk. The idea of simply walking around taking photos of random things isn’t appealing to me right now. I’m sure that will change. But I’m also discovering that photography, for me, has become a very personal endeavor. Sure, I enjoy sharing my images but the actual act of taking photos is something that, for me, is best done alone.

I’m also still very intrigued by doing themed photo shoots. Let me explain. I’m not really interested in simply hiring a model and having her pose in pretty dresses or sexy clothes. That’s been done to death. I’m more interested in focusing on a specific theme or specific statement and expressing it through a cohesive set of photographs. It doesn’t have to be shocking or controversial, it just has to be personal and original. Ultimately, perhaps it can best be stated as follows: I’m not interested in taking a photograph just to take a photograph. I want photography to be a means to end rather than an end in and of itself. Does that mean I won’t go out and just take nice photos of whatever I happen to be around? Of course not. I still enjoy photography for photography’s sake and taking nice photos. But what really interests me is using photography as a way of expressing something else.

As for my current job, to be honest, I actually really, really enjoy it. For those of you that don’t know me personally, I am a senior computer security consultant for a small consulting firm in the DC area. Essentially, my job is to break into networks, computers, and websites so that the companies that hire us know how to better secure them. I’m loving it. I count myself to be truly fortunate to have a “regular” job that I enjoy so much. It has certainly softened the blow of not being able to follow my “dream” job.

In short, I haven’t given up on photography. Not by a long shot. I may just be a little more selective in the photos I take and the photos that I share.

This blog will remain here, of course. I’m sure I’ll be posting to it a little more frequently than once per year but perhaps less than I used to.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, May 8th, 2011 at 10:55. It is filed under Site News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.